Thirty-Two

I turned 32 a few weeks ago. Thirty-two is such an odd age. When I turned thirty, I felt empowered and felt like I accomplished something - I SURVIVED MY TWENTIES! I felt I gained so much in wisdom and had a better perspective of life. Thirty introduced me to a completely new decade! When thirty-one rolled along, I was still riding the high of 30. Thirty-one in my mind inducted me officially into my thirties. By then, thirty just sounded like the step-sister of the twenties. An age wherein one could still hold on to the fact that the previous year he or she could still claim they were in their twenties. When I said I was thirty-one, I would say it with such authority as if the age meant something more than just, well, being a number. Now I am thirty-two and the novelty has faded. Now it's like a commitment to the decade. Now there's really no holding back or no way to say that the twenties were just around the corner.

Thirty-two.

In my twenties, I had made good money doing a few commercials as a yuppie, barkada, etc. When I hit my thirties, I started getting more notices for young mom roles. It would have been okay really except that I am a woman in my thirties who is not yet - GASP! - a mother. Psychologically, my sub-conscious was getting confused. To top it all off, I wouldn't get the roles suited to my age because - GASP! - I didn't look my age. On paper I'm in the maternal age, on celluloid, I don't look convincing to play the part. Ridiculous. So a few days ago, I decided that it was high time to bow out of this commercial casting black hole. I'm thirty-two. I'm not a mother. I don't look maternal. I don't look my age. It's a truth that I just have to roll with.

Thirty-two.

I recently watched an episode of Iconclasts, featuring Chef Mario Battali and Micheal Stipe. Who knew they were friends? Anyway, that's not the point. The point is Micheal Stipe was talking about artistic cycle which he likened to a circle. He went on to say that his learning curve goes to a point where he seems to know everything there is to know but then right after that happens he finds himself descending right back down to a place where he knows nothing at all. And it goes on and on. You learn everything there is to know then you plateau then you unlearn it or some things get invalidated then you find yourself in a spot where you have to learn how to go about things again. The rules change. The game changes. It pretty much is an infinite cycle if you let it be so. That's how it feels now in my own little thirty-two. Instead of being so certain of things in my life, I find myself trying to figure things out again. Yes maybe I'm a little bit more emotionally equipped and mentally fine tuned but really it feels like life has thrown me a curve ball and the old batting technique is just not working anymore. It just goes to show that life will never give you that long a breather. One will always have to be on their toes and be constantly on the look out for life's sign posts to point out the way.

Thirty-two.

Angelina Jolie and I are about the same age. I just read a quote from an interview done by a magazine and she talks about feeling strongly about her beliefs. The question posed to her was somewhere along the lines of "How do you feel about people either loving you or hating you" (This is not a direct quote) And she replied that she is fine with that because it shows her that she is not being perceived to be wishy washy but she is seen as someone who has strong convictions. I envy her. I wish I had half her gumption. And yet I still find myself being a people pleaser. My views are only voiced out to a trusted few because I don't really want to ruffle any feathers. At thirty-two, you'd think I'd have a little bit more conviction. A little bit more fight. Or maybe at least have a cause worth fighting for. Yet I find myself looking more and more into myself. Some would call it self-awareness and say it's a good thing but self-awareness tends to blind us as well.

Thirty-Two

I graduated with a degree in AB Mass Communications from the Ateneo de Manila University. I graduated with the belief that armed with my degree I would change the world. I went corporate by joining an ad agency straight out of college. There I stayed for five years of my life. I had medical insurance. I had a steady paycheck. Someone did my taxes for me. I was among like minded individuals. Fast forward five years later and I find myself a freelance actor and tv/event host. When there is an ample amount of jobs the added up pay is good. My schedule is never the same. I am always on my toes. There is a certain satisfaction with the job but it does also have its drawbacks. There is no such thing as medical insurance. Paychecks aren't regular. I do my own taxes (what a headache!) And all your workmates are transients like yourself where everyone is wondering where the next paycheck willbe coming from. Here's the kicker. I chose it. Eyes wide open. Being thirty-two makes you own up to that fact. Nobody forced this kind of lifestyle on me. I actually had a choice. I could have stayed in the corporate world and be steady. But no, I chose this. It's something you really can't blame on anybody. In the same breath the thirty-two year old me says "YOU CHOSE THIS?!? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!?" But then the panic subsides and the the truth remains. I chose it. And I continue to choose it.

Thirty-Two

I was chatting with the French Producer of Camera Cafe in between takes and he was explaining how in business you always have to be ready to lose first before you can gain. He was specifically talking about our production. I asked him if he wanted to go into co-production with the station but he emphatically said NO. He said that if he were to make mistakes he wanted to be his mistakes and his alone. There was no room to allow anybody else to share the blame. It all boils down to ownership. If you are ready to take the fame you should also be ready to take the blame. What's even more admirable is this man pretty much came to Asia to retire. However, he was given the opportunity to bring Camera Cafe here and he took on the challenge.

So here I am at thirty-two. Aware of the choices I made. Changing my tactics. Searching for gumption and conviction. Picking up wisdom along the way. Like I said, now it's a commitment. There is no way but to face it head on. Thirty-three, here I come.